Feel Your Love: Self-Compassion and Chronic Pain

Think about someone in your life that you have a deep, unconditional love for. This could be

your partner, a parent, a child, a best friend, or even a pet. Someone who, despite their flaws, imperfections, or occasional ability to drive you absolutely crazy, you love just the same.

For me, that someone is my dog, Balto.

Balto has been a part of my life for years, and I love that dog more than I can really put into words. He isn't perfect. He has his quirks, and there are certainly moments when he tests my patience. But none of that changes how much I love him. I don't need him to behave perfectly, accomplish something impressive, or earn my affection. I love him simply because he's Balto.

A while back, my therapist asked me a question that really stuck with me:

"What if you loved yourself the same way you love Balto?" — My Therapist

It's a simple question, but I think there's something really powerful in it. What would it feel like if we offered ourselves the same love, patience, and understanding that we so freely give to the people (and animals) we care about?

Understanding What Compassion Feels Like

When we talk about self-compassion, I think it's easy to get caught up in the idea of what we're supposed to do. We hear things like "be kinder to yourself," "practice positive self-talk," or "give yourself grace." And while these are all wonderful suggestions, they can be difficult to put into practice when we don't really know what compassion feels like.

So rather than starting with how to be compassionate toward yourself, I want you to start by thinking about how you already experience compassion for someone else.

Go back to that person you thought of at the beginning of this article. Imagine them having a really difficult day. Maybe they're frustrated with themselves, struggling with something they can't control, or feeling like they've somehow failed.

How would you respond to them?

Would you criticize them for struggling? Would you tell them they should be doing better? Would you remind them of all the things they haven't accomplished?

Probably not.

You might offer them a hug, remind them that they're doing their best, or simply sit with them while they work through whatever they're feeling. You wouldn't necessarily need to fix anything. You might just want them to know that they're loved, even when things are difficult.

Now, take a moment to notice what happens inside of you as you imagine offering that compassion. Maybe you feel a warmth in your chest, a softening in your shoulders, or a sense of tenderness toward that person. Maybe there's no obvious physical sensation at all, but you recognize the feeling of wanting to care for them.

That is the feeling I want you to become familiar with.

You already know how to experience compassion. You have felt it before, probably countless times. The challenge isn't necessarily learning how to love. It's learning how to include yourself in that love.

Why Is Self-Compassion So Difficult?

I often remind my clients that sitting with ourselves in compassion can be one of the most difficult things we practice.

Think about the way you speak to yourself when something goes wrong. Maybe you make a mistake at work, forget something important, or find yourself struggling with something that seems easy for everyone else. How quickly does that inner critic show up?

We can be incredibly understanding of other people's struggles while holding ourselves to an entirely different standard.

When someone we love is exhausted, we encourage them to rest. When we're exhausted, we might tell ourselves we're being lazy. When someone else is overwhelmed, we recognize that they're going through something difficult. When we're overwhelmed, we might wonder why we can't just get it together.

It's interesting, isn't it? We can recognize that someone else deserves patience and understanding without requiring them to change anything about themselves first. Yet when it comes to ourselves, compassion can start to feel like something we have to earn.

Psychologist and self-compassion researcher Dr. Kristin Neff describes self-compassion through three interconnected elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Together, these involve responding to ourselves with care, recognizing that struggle is part of being human, and acknowledging difficult experiences without becoming completely consumed by them.

Learning to observe your experiences without judgment.

One thing I really appreciate about this perspective is that self-compassion doesn't require us to pretend everything is okay. We can acknowledge that something hurts, that we're struggling, or that we wish things were different, while still treating ourselves with kindness.

Practicing Self-Compassion Through the Body

One of the reasons I love approaching self-compassion through somatic awareness is that it gives us an opportunity to explore compassion as an experience, rather than just an idea.

Somatic awareness is, in simple terms, the practice of noticing what's happening within the body. Instead of focusing exclusively on our thoughts, we become curious about physical sensations and how they relate to our experiences.

Understanding the connection between the body and nervous system

Let's try a little exercise.

If it feels comfortable, take a moment to settle into your seat. You can close your eyes or simply soften your gaze.

Think again about someone you love unconditionally. For me, I imagine Balto. I think about his face, his personality, and all the little things that make him who he is. I think about how much I care for him, even on the days when he's being difficult.

Allow yourself to really experience that love for a moment.

As you do, become curious about what's happening in your body. Does your breathing change? Do you notice any softening in your muscles? Is there a sensation of warmth, comfort, or connection?

There's no particular sensation you're supposed to experience. We're simply observing.

Now, while holding on to whatever sense of compassion is available to you, imagine turning some of that care toward yourself.

What would it be like to offer yourself the same patience? The same understanding? The same willingness to love, even when things aren't perfect?

You don't have to force yourself to feel anything. In fact, you might notice resistance, discomfort, or even an immediate urge to criticize yourself. That's okay, too.

See if you can approach those responses with curiosity rather than judgment. After all, that's part of the practice.

And if the exercise feels overwhelming, you can always return your attention to your surroundings or come back to it another time.

Self-Compassion When Living With Chronic Pain

I think this practice becomes especially meaningful when we consider our relationship with our bodies, particularly for those of us living with chronic pain, illness, or nervous system overwhelm.

When your body is constantly experiencing uncomfortable sensations, it can be difficult not to become frustrated with it.

You might find yourself thinking, "Why can't my body just cooperate?" or "I wish I could feel normal for once." You might feel disconnected from your body, disappointed by what it can no longer do, or exhausted by the amount of attention it requires.

These are understandable responses to difficult experiences. Living with persistent pain or illness can be incredibly challenging, and self-compassion isn't about pretending otherwise.

But I want to offer another question.

What if your body deserves compassion, even when it's uncomfortable to live in?

Think about how you might respond to someone you love who is hurting. You probably wouldn't tell them that they're a burden because they're in pain. You wouldn't expect them to earn your kindness by getting better. You would recognize that they're having a difficult experience and that they deserve care through it.

What if we could begin approaching our own bodies with that same understanding?

Research suggests that self-compassion may help people relate differently to chronic pain and the emotional distress that can accompany it. This doesn't mean that compassion eliminates pain or cures illness. Rather, it may help reduce some of the additional suffering that comes from shame, self-criticism, and fighting against our own experiences.

This is something that connects deeply with the philosophy behind The Myosomatic Institute: working with the body, not against it.

Exploring the Myosomatic Method

Sometimes working with the body means recognizing that it needs rest. Sometimes it means learning to observe sensations without immediately trying to change them. And sometimes it means simply acknowledging that we're having a hard time and offering ourselves a little kindness.

We don't have to love every sensation we experience. We don't have to enjoy living with pain, and we certainly don't have to stop seeking relief or support.

But we can begin to separate the discomfort we're experiencing from the worthiness of the person experiencing it.

You Are Worthy of the Love You Give

I want you to think one more time about that person you love.

Think about how naturally you can recognize their worth, even when they're struggling. Think about the patience you're willing to offer them and the compassion you feel when they're having a difficult day.

Now consider the possibility that you deserve that same love.

Not once you've healed. Not once you've accomplished everything on your to-do list. Not once you've learned to manage your emotions perfectly or figured out how to live without pain.

Right now, exactly as you are.

I don't expect this to be an easy practice. For many of us, learning to sit with ourselves in compassion takes time. There may be days when it feels natural and others when it feels almost impossible.

But the next time you notice yourself becoming frustrated with your body, criticizing yourself for struggling, or feeling overwhelmed by everything you're experiencing, I invite you to remember the love you feel for someone else.

Take a moment to experience that compassion, and then see if you can offer even a little of it to yourself.

You don't have to get it perfect.

You and your body are still deserving of love, even when things are difficult.

If you'd like to continue exploring what it means to approach yourself with compassion, you might enjoy learning about writing a self-compassion letter. It's a simple practice that can help us explore what it might feel like to speak to ourselves from a place of unconditional love.